I had started this page some time ago to heal from the grief of a lost loved one. Sadly, I jumped right into other professional endeavors as a means of distracting myself and not really healing. I threw myself into it, and it has been a rollercoaster year. Not just for myself, but obviously all of us. I started some very high-stress training at the bank I worked at, then COVID-19 happened, and all the test centers closed. I was sitting in limbo, just waiting for everything to resolve. It did not. It got worse.
In June of 2020, we were informed that our branch was being closed. I was not going to be allowed to finish the training I started. I was also left in a space where I needed to know that I would have employment, as we were informed that they did not know if they would be able to place the staff at other bank branches. I got lucky! A serendipitous opportunity presented itself to me in the form of a job in the mortgage industry.
I felt so lucky that fate was intervening to allay my worries. It did for a time. While I enjoy the actual work part of my job, I find that I jumped into a barrel of toxicity. The individuals seem like good people, but the lake's surface can look calm on a perfect day. Underneath that surface is any one person's guess. I have found that beneath the surface is a team full of distrust, ego's unchecked, conflicts about fairness, and sniping each other from behind.
I have always been the guy that keeps his head down at work. I only speak up if I feel there is a need to do so. Why? Because at the end of the day, I have to worry about #1. That #1 is me and mine. This means that I need to make sure I have an income so we can pay the bills. I have found that silence speaks mountains when it causes people to say anything literally. I understand how every person on this team thinks of each other, and much of it is poor.
Hearing these things and being pressured by my team leader to pass the NMLS exam has made everything very challenging. It has dug up my deep issues with my grief, it has awoken a new level of anxiety, and it has driven my depression into a deeper hole. I need to take care of myself, and I am trying, but it is difficult to not have a clear heading. I have a better idea of what direction I want to lead, and I want to do so with honesty and integrity. I must leave this job. After seeing the mental health of so many in decline, I can not bring myself to stay.
The part that makes me nervous is the knowledge that I will get a bad reaction from at least one team member. It is quite literally a situation where it is them, but it is also me. I know in my heart that this is not the place for me to remain. I know that I will eventually drown. It is not a question of getting help, and that will keep me grounded in this job. It is the reality that no matter the amount of help, the issues on this team will not change because the leader and those that follow do not wish to change. Like a piranha river without a victim, they will consume each other and lead to their own downfall.
My light is that I have an interview soon with a credit union, and I feel confident about my skill level. I have 14 years of experience in the banking industry, so I know my way around. My worry is my employment past. I only have one black mark on that history, and it was due to my own stupidity. I openly violated a company policy involving the usage of social media during work hours. AKA, I was on Facebook when I should not have been. It was dumb, and I know that. If I could go back and do it over, I would. Inevitably, we can not change the past and must face our transgressions head-on. I hope this new place will see past that, see that I have grown, and see that I am a valuable asset.
If you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for your time. I would like to pick back up with this and use it as an outlet to continue healing and being open about my life and mental health issues. If you are here, I hope that I can inspire you with my actions. If you need advice, please ask. Whether it is a comment or an email, I would love to commiserate our misery or lend assistance to unburdening your worries and concerns.
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